Spatchcocking Psycho

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It started a few weeks, back, under the cover of night.  I’d been aching to try it for a while, but it seemed so difficult and dangerous that I was nervous about an actual attempt. I’d read about it of course, and even seen a few videos on one of those specialty YouTube channels. They made it look so easy, but still I was afraid I’d wind up with a mangled corpse and a kitchen saturated with blood.

A Decision Made

Finally I plucked up the courage to try my hand.

I waited until I knew there would be no witnesses to catch me should I fail. I brought my victim home, put on my apron and sharpened my largest, heaviest knife. Then, with a drink to steady my nerves, I sneaked up behind my victim, and set to work.

The relief and pride as the job was done were immense. And later, as   I gazed down at my victim lying spread-eagled before me and sampled the juicy morsels of tender flesh, I knew I would do it again. And again and again. This was not some dark adventure to try only when the moon was full or when I could hold out no longer against my dark desires. This would happen regularly, perhaps once a week if I was lucky and could find people to share my new compulsion – and if my freezer could hold the rising tide of body parts. I had become a man obsessed.

Yes. Spatchcocking chicken had changed me forever.

You may have heard of Spatchocking as “butterflying,” but that’s far too pretty a term for what this process involves.

Spatchcocking – not to be confused with Spatchcock, which is a culled immature rooster, or Spitchcock, which has to do with eels- is when  the backbone of a chicken is removed and the chicken is flattened out, ready for grilling or roasting. The term  is apparently an Irish word, which is another culinary reason to thank them, along with flavored potato chips and chocolate milk.  It’s been around since at least the 18th century, though it’s such a brilliant way to prepare a chicken for cooking that I’d be surprised if nobody had thought of it sooner. Spatchcocking has regained popularity for a while now, mostly because it’s perfect for the barbecue.

Flattening  a whole chicken like that allows you to grill it in one piece, like it’s one big piece of meat. And who doesn’t go berserk for a big piece of meat?

Now that’s all well and good, but why lose my mind over it? Continue reading “Spatchcocking Psycho” →

Recipe Request: Couscous for a Crowd

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I can’t believe I never posted this here but apparently I never have. As someone has just asked for it, I take this opportunity to rectify the situation.

Couscous for a Crowd (Serves 6-8)

Ingredients

  • 2 c giant couscous
  • 1.5 c fresh mint, roughly shredded or chopped
  • 1 c sliced almonds, toasted (1)
  • 1 c dried cranberries (2)
  • zest of 1 orange
  • juice of 1 orange
  • dash of lemon juice (3)
  • olive oil
  • salt and pepper

Directions

Cook the couscous according to package instructions.  Drizzle with olive oil and toss to coat thoroughly. Then scatter some mint across the top and cover with a tea towel until couscous has cooled to room temp. Once the couscous has cooled, remove the tea towel and take larger pieces of wilted mint off top, then combine couscous, mint, almonds, cranberries, orange zest, and orange juice in a bowl.  Drizzle with additional olive oil (enough so that the couscous isn’t sticky) and season with salt and pepper. Toss to combine. Serve chilled or at room temperature.

This is one of those infinitely flexible things where you can add pretty much anything or mess with proportions to your hearts content and you’ll still end up with something yummy. And make extra ’cause it lasts in the fridge for a week and you’ll be snacking on it for days. Make a meal out of it and use up leftovers by adding some shredded cooked chicken.

(1) I leave these out sometimes – depends on who’s coming over and/or my mood. They do add a nice crunch in an otherwise not so crunch dish but I wouldn’t recommend other nuts. For some reason almonds work far better than others

(2) I sometimes add dried apricots as well. Whatever dried fruit you like, add.

(3) Depends on how much juice you get out of the orange and how sweet it is. If it’s too sweet for you after a good mix, add a dash of lemon juice to balance it. Or lime. Lime works the same magic.

Crafty Cardinal Creates Cutlery

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Ah, Bastille Day – I’d say something about it in French but my French is lousy. So rather than subject us all to that, let’s celebrate it by looking at a few French moments and highlights in culinary history.

Rich in dukes and cardinals – but also rich in culinary trivia.

Imagine it. It is 1637. Cardinal Richelieu, for reasons known only to himself – maybe his own safety (he wasn’t universally popular) or maybe he was put off his dinner watching people pick their teeth with pointy ends – suddenly orders the blades of his dinnerware to be ground down and rounded off.

Behold, the modern dinner knife was born. Continue reading “Crafty Cardinal Creates Cutlery” →

The Bread Baby

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Does anyone remember that craze back in the 90’s, where people gave each other little pocket sized computer thingies that you had to ” feed” and “bathe”, or they pinged in an annoyingly loud manner? Or that episode in “Frasier” where Niles attempted to simulate fatherhood by looking after an eight pound sack of flour for a week? No?

I had forgotten them too – but they all came rushing back to me in the early hours of the morning about a month ago, when I found myself under the glare of my kitchen lights, giving it the full Colin Clive and screaming, “It’s alive! IT’S ALIVE!!”

That’s Dr. Frankenstein to you, thank you very much.

I was making my own sourdough bread.

Moreover, I was learning – all too painfully – that making your own sourdough bread is not about the baking the bread, but rather about making the “starter.” And making a sourdough starter is uncomfortably like looking after a small baby for an extended period of time. There’s a lot of feeding and changing, quite a bit of gas, the regular disposal of beige goop, some malodorous smells, and far too much fretting and crying.

How did I get to that darkly cinematic moment in my kitchen in those wee small hours? Not naturally or easily actually. Continue reading “The Bread Baby” →

The Spicy Truth About Vanilla

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Vanilla. We all know vanilla. Naturally warm and sweet, it’s the base note of dessert in the Western World, from the scoop of vanilla ice cream served with apple pie in the US to the warm custard poured over crumbles in the UK or baked into tarts by the Portuguese.

It’s that essential ingredient in cookies and cakes and puddings. It takes the edge off chocolate and coffee, and lifts a mug of hot milk to dreamy bedtime heights. One might even say that vanilla is the umami of the sweet palate.

Vanilla’s Bad Rep?

But vanilla gets a very bad rap these days. There’s a perception in this day and age that vanilla is somehow boring. In our quest for ever more exotic flavours of ice cream we’ve derided the humble but pure pleasures of a well-made vanilla ice cream. Other spices like star anise and  cardamom, lovely though they both are,  have become so achingly hip that good old vanilla seems like a dull, almost matronly staple in comparison. Vanilla has to be dressed up as “French Vanilla” or ” Genuine Madagascar Vanilla” or “Vanilla Bean”. We’ve even-horror of horrors- begun to use the term “vanilla” to mean boring, unimaginative sex. It’s as if vanilla has become the Doris Day of spices.

And that’s not fair. Continue reading “The Spicy Truth About Vanilla” →